Engraved Trees

I decided to take a drive to the park three towns away. Haven’t been there in forever and I needed a change of pace. I parked my car near the racetrack and looked around. So many people were out today. Mostly middle aged moms with their children and dogs but the scene was pleasant. I could never picture myself living in the suburbs but it’s always nice to visit.

I looked down at my sneakers to make sure my laces were tied and pressed play on my IPod. I haven’t really ran in awhile. Been to busy doing absolutely nothing with people who don’t really matter. I’ve shut off my thoughts as well and I’ve gotten incredibly good at it.

As I ran passed a long row of trees, I started to notice all the engraved markings on them and instantly knew exactly where I was. I started to run faster past them and closed my eyes. A few seconds later I opened them and looked back at all the trees and stopped running. I stood there in the middle of the pathway, shifting my head back and forth, trying to figure out which way to go.

As people passed me by I wondered if they could hear the loud pounding sound that was coming from my chest. Did this poorly put together heart echo throughout the whole park? Did the old lady across the street hear? DId the guy who just passed by on his bike hear? Did the soccer teaming playing behind me hear?

No one was pointing at me and no children where covering their innocent ears but I could feel they all knew something was just not right about me. I had to choose. Do I turn back around or do I keep moving forward? I stood there frozen and the first actual thought I had in months came rushing back.

Tugging at the handles of my luggage while standing in line at the airport. Every little step I took I would turn back around to look at him. He stood there empty handed and scared. Could we do this? Could we survive the distance? Could we make it till the end of the year?

Then I heard someone call out next and I handed over my ID and ticket and went through security check in. I turned back around and waved goodbye. I took my finger to my chest, then to my heart and then pointed my finger at him. He did the same three motions to me, turned around and walked away with his head held down. I forced myself not to cry and took a seat. I convinced myself that him and I were going to be O.K.

Why didn’t I just turn back around?

This thought plagued my mind and I grabbed my chest in hopes to stop my heart from beating. But the sound only grew louder. Even the barking dog that passed by me could not drown out the pounding sound that was now suffocating me.

I needed to move.

I looked both ways and finally turned around. I walked past the first few trees from the row and found ours. I stepped down to move closer and ran my fingers through our engraved initials. I pulled down my sunglasses as tears made their way down my face. Where do I go now I thought to myself. Where do I go now?

Hopefully nosleeptillbrooklyn is figuring out where she goes.