I should probably tell you a story,

I’ve been thinking about heading out to the island, or going back to Montauk or Connecticut, and just trying to start over, or maybe I could travel a bit, take the bike and just ride, anywhere. I could go out to the desert and lay low in the bramble with the coyotes and snakes and rise when the sun comes round the mountain and forage for my meals and then I could be one with the earth that bore me, I would have the understanding to predict the seasons and to know when the grass and the birds of the field were with me, we’d be together, and united. We’d be infinite and we’d know it. I am unstoppable. Void from the perils of human connection. I stand, mouth agape, I open my hand to the wind.

If you’re still reading this then I want you to know that you shouldn’t worry about me, because I think after all of this we know, collectively that I’ll be okay. Do you want to know why? Because I still wake up in the morning and I brush my teeth and I eat a bagel or a banana, and I listen to my old radio and I open up the blinds and let the sunlight inside and I dress myself and I get a paper delivered and my floors are clean and the drive is swept and my bed is not empty and sometimes there are drugs that I put into my body and I always have enough whiskey and my bedroom still smells of fresh paint and inside my cold large hands are memories that I caught trying to escape from me and still locked up inside my heart is Katie who I will forever hold a prisoner to my unbending, and sacrificial love. The love that refuses to let her go.

She must not go.

sincesheleft