the world was ours then. when we were still young...

the world was ours then. when we were still young enough to believe that we hadn’t gone too far down the rabbit hole, that we could still pull ourselves back up. when i was still starry-eyed from our first kiss and the light blinded the truth that you were going too fast, that you didn’t know your boundaries. with every passing day, the pills and the weed and the alcohol and the coke entered your body. i watched the light fade out, i watched your soul grow dim. all the while, our made up world was crumbling, slipping through my fingers.

but then there were the nights where we walked down those brick streets and danced on the top floors of parking garages to no music. your arms around my torso, mine hugging your neck. twirling, just twirling until we couldn’t stand up. in those small moments i saw the light in your eyes flare once more, that’s where i heard your heart laugh again. then you would kiss me. cradling my face in both hands, letting our lips meet. i felt it; the love was still there, just overshadowed by your itch to get the next fix.

so that’s where i left it. i left it embedded into the uneven red brick sidewalk, i left it on top of the concrete slabs that sat six stories above our town and the world we created there. i left it there, there in our made up Neverland because i understood once we reached the bottom floor you weren’t mine any more. you went with the shadows, you followed the tempting demon’s hand. it made my stomach crawl, i saw so many i loved lost to that already, and losing you? i would of killed myself.

so when you called that night, very high, i listened to your babbling, crying silently on the other end. finally when your voice lowered and breathing evened and i knew you were asleep, i whispered “i love you with my whole self. just right now i can’t be there. i’m not strong enough. i can’t watch you die this slowly, but i’ll come back for you. i swear to god i will.” and maybe it was my ears tricking me, but as i pulled the phone from the side of my head, a whispered “i’m sorry” echoed out.

but i’ll never know for sure, i had already hung up.

submitted by clairejohnsen.