Listen, don’t be fooled. You may have seen movies...

Listen, don’t be fooled. You may have seen movies where a homely looking man falls in love with a super sexy lady and the whole time you’re thinking, “Bullshit, never happen,” But here I stand before you to say that guys, fiction mirrors life.

It Can Happen To You™

It’s true, meet Dorothy. When I first met her, and every subsequent time since when I see her, the first thing I think of is, “Christ, she’s SO outta my league,” and to some degree it’s true.

Now, obviously she’s fucking hot (if you like hot bodies, beautiful eyes, and a cute micro-lisp) and she’s fucking smart, hello Bachelors degree (I don’t even have one of those!).

But, just like college football, what makes up a superstar athlete are the intangibles. The same rule applies here. It’s what you get, that you don’t see at first look that makes women like this so rare and special. I can’t stress enough, and Boner Party might disagree with me here, or not, but it’s just SO hard to find an interesting hot girl that you can talk to. Fuck what you heard about “All guys just want sex,” blah blah,

What guys want, ladies is a woman who looks good on the outside to satisfy their barbaric need for status, and they could care less about what’s between her cute ears.

What Men want is a chick (I know, I probably shouldn’t use the word chick here) who they can just fucking talk to. I’m not even kidding. All that aesthetic beauty stuff is just ancillary, fuck she deserves it.

Look this is getting long so I should probably end it before I type something overtly sexual and borderline offensive. I’ll end it with this.

Dream waves come over the tv and we know we’re in a dream/flashback. The me from the present is back in 1996, talking to the 15 year old me. The 15 year old me is telling his friends that he wants to quit playing music and reading books because all the girls won’t talk to him, and I walk up to the guys. Lower my Wayfarers, take a drag of my Marlboro and throw it down and take too long putting it out with my shoe, just to make sure the boys had my attention.

I lean down and in, their cue to lean in toward me, and I say, “Listen, guys- whatever you’re doing, keep doing it. All those assholes on the football team will always date a hot chick, you’re not going to date that hot chick now. Get over it. But, there are girls, and they go to this school, right now. They probably sit in your homeroom, maybe even behind you in that AP Lit class. Now, these girls are not hot, now, but soon, midway through college they will be, AND guess what? They’re gonna think you’re cool because you play music and read interesting books. And believe it or not, they’re going to have read those same interesting books, and they’re going to be able to have a reasonable and intelligent conversation with you about those books. Don’t scoff at me, you little fucks. I’m 100% serious. I’m from the Future. Just be patient and whatever you do, don’t become a cynical asshole. Don’t Stop Believing.”

With that I turn away, put a fresh Marlboro in my mouth, the dream waves appear on the television screen from top to bottom, I disappear and am seated back in my desk chair, in front of this computer.

It Can Happen To You™

You’re Makin’ My Dreams Come True™

You don't need money,  don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes
but it might just save your life